The "Skills" of Conversation, Part I

Exploring "Sincere Reciprocal Conversation" or the Lack Therof...

The title of this post is slightly overblown, but let’s get started, shall we? Today, I tackle perhaps one of the most difficult aspects for myself as an Aspie, …Conversation. I could probably write a whole book on this subject, who knows, I just might.

Conversation has been a roller coaster of inconsistency all my life. Depending on subject matter, I can be very conversational or most of the time, I just clam up, not really knowing what to say. As my interests have changed over the years, so have the things I feel I can or want to talk about.

Training myself to listen to people and actually care about things they are talking about has been the primary focus of this area of “skill”, other aspects of this “focus” concerns as well, the ability to carry on a “normal” conversation in an effort to “hide” my awkwardness, my obsessions with peculiar subjects and to be sincere with people and their feelings. For things I like to talk about, I can drone on and on about subjects I love, maybe causing most people either extreme boredom, a sense of “what are you talking about?” to outright aversion because I might seem like a “know it all” or arrogant, which is not the case at all.  I certainly don’t “know it all” and I never ever want to come off as arrogant... yuck!

Now I am not totally incapable of “typical” socialization or conversation. I can work through it if I have to. I can change my demeanor and act “normal” if you will, if I have too, but for a limited amount of time. This is from years of training. But inside, I can range from bored out of my mind to scared senseless. This “acting” takes a lot of energy, both mental and physical.

But sincerely, I work very hard at reciprocal conversation. I have spent a lot of time training and learning how to listen and have a sincere give and take conversation. But there are certain subjects I have to be careful with that could wind up trapping some poor soul in a lengthy monologue, droning on and on about endless facts. Anything to do with my “worlds” I am writing about, video games, history, especially military history, weaponry, science fiction, fantasy, martial arts (from sword fighting, hand to hand combat and all sorts of melee weapons), sometimes 4X4 trucks, especially mudder trucks, some science fiction and fantasy, “religion” (as a general term covering most aspects of Judeo-Christian history and faith, as well as apologetics concerning other religions)… see there I go…, and there are many others I will spare you the details with, that are subjects probably to avoid, unless you don’t mind me going on and on about them.

I have learned a lot by watching Clare speak with people, of which there is an abundance of opportunity to see her in action. I pick up on her techniques and mannerisms, like it’s some kind of thing she has trained to do. See this is who she is, and I watch and I learn. I study how she introduces herself, how the conversation starts… I analyze people’s reactions. How they respond. All of this is cataloged and stored to be used at a later time when I need it. It has been through observation and analysis, not to mention counseling and training with Clare, I have developed to the level I am at now. There is still much room for growth. Ever since I began to realize I didn’t “fit in” (I was very young), I observed other people and how they interacted in public. This has also helped in developing a generalization of behaviors and skills to use when interacting with the public on a social level.

In working through this conversation self-education I have submitted myself too, I have learned to look for “cues” that I need to stop talking, if I ever do start talking, and that my conversation partner is becoming quickly disinterested in my rambling, or even if I have been speaking for just a few short minutes. This can take the form of wandering eyes, scanning the landscape desperately for a more suitable or exciting conversation partner or the ever obvious yawn (that is an immediate signal I should shut up) and various facial expressions that display what I interpret as confusion, boredom or desperate panic to run away. When I see these “cues” I immediately sum up the conversation to give that person an out. Why shouldn’t I? They are obviously not interested in what I am saying, so I should think about them and just let them go. It is also not always up to me; people will sometimes just start talking to someone else or just walk off and start speaking to another person, while I am right in mid-sentence. This used to offend me greatly, until my wife explained to me (many, many times over the years) that this was normal for neurotypical people to do this, especially people with ADD.

So, really more often than not, I just don’t say anything to anyone, especially about subjects I am deeply interested in, I will just save you the “pain” in most cases. There is really no way I can have a real reciprocal conversation with anyone about subjects I love and know a lot about, except maybe just a very minute, trusted number of you and only if you have patience and interest. I talked a lot with a friend I used to work with, he called me a “walking encyclopedia of knowledge”, and I never looked at myself like that. Imagine for a second, having a storehouse of knowledge, intense, deep knowledge about subjects that are obscure, complex, wide in scope or highly technical, and there is no one, virtually no one to share them with. Just think about that for a moment. It’s no wonder I can become isolationist at times. Alone in a world where no one understands you or really cares about what you know.

There is a growing section of the population that can only relate to one another online or on some kind of device because distance separates those who have these intense, often highly specialized interests. There is no one to talk to in the immediate region in which they live and share their knowledge. This by the way is the real reason the internet came to be in the first place, so that scientists and researchers could share information with each other, even though they were separated by thousands of miles. I will digress right there and not go further on that subject for now.

That’s why I love writing. No one can interrupt you. No one yawns, no one’s eyes wander or roll, at least that I have to see, and as a reader, you get the luxury of putting your electronic reading device down and walking away at your leisure. There is no, what I interpret as rudeness or carelessness, by the ever present interruptions of neurotypicality, blank looks, or acting as if they are listening, but really they are not, and best of all, I never see you walk away from me while I am still speaking, going to talk to someone else more “fun”. And certainly no one has to run away, really…you can just go to another web page.

Let’s not forget the number of words an average human male speaks in a day. Which is currently around 7000 words for men (20000 for women). So for myself, unless it’s something I am intensely interested in or I know a lot about, the number is far less than the typical. I know I have gone for a number of days only speaking a few hundred words a day, if that (which can drive my wife batty). I know when I have talked too much though; my voice begins to get hoarse and broken, and I am exhausted (my vocal cords are just not used to that much over use). Then I have to drink liquids and stop talking just so I know that I will be able to say something tomorrow.

On the other hand, the common subjects of shallow reciprocal conversation include work/job, kids, weather and maybe food. I have learned to have short cordial conversations about these subjects, but anything other than that, and I may look at you like you are boring or I may stand there with a pleasant smile on my face and nodding, not really knowing what you are talking about, but trying to be polite and not to offend. This especially happens if the subject matter drifts to the overarching male dominated fascination (and ever growing female fascination) with sports*. Especially the Big 5, as I call them, Baseball, Football, Basketball, Soccer and Golf. I can barely play these sports much less carry on the conversation about them. Yes, narrow minded right? Yeah I just can’t get into them, I tried, but they just don’t interest me and I am still not sure why. Maybe it has something to do with when I was younger I just couldn’t play these sports, I was too clumsy, I didn’t know the rules, heck I couldn’t even catch a football or hit a baseball. I was continuously the butt of teasing, harassment and disparagement because I was no good at sports, so I associate negative feelings and memories with them. Or, maybe some of it has to do with everyone else is into them so I am subconsciously not going to like it; because it’s so popular… well that’s the running theory at the moment. It’s an “other side of the fence” thing, if you will allow me to use the term loosely. Also, that it doesn’t have anything to do with sword fighting (not fencing), explosions (from firecrackers to nuclear tests), spaceships, tanks, airplanes, dragons, power plants (fictional or theoretical to real), naval vessels (all time periods, by the way), energy weapons (theoretical and fictional), spears and pole arms, early firearms (up to the late 19th century), torsion and tension ranged weaponry (i.e. bows and crossbows), artillery (all periods), rockets (including guided or “smart” missiles), Flash Gordon, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings or historical/fictional tactical and strategic warfare (oops, sorry, see… there I go again…rambling on and on).

As you can tell, most “normal” people don’t talk about these things. So I just write in journals… lots of journals (I have five I write in at this time) and now on blogs, and I don’t say much to anyone. It has taken a lot for me to come out of my shell and speak at all, but I truly try to work at being concise, and make sure I speak in a way most people can understand. As for my poor wife, she feels like she lives with a person who speaks a foreign language most of the time (I always get the “over my head” gesture from her, at which I quickly stop talking). Yet, some of my children, they are of like mind, and they “get” me. These guys do know some of what I am talking about and they are a blessing to me, otherwise who (as an example), would I have to talk to other than my 13 year old daughter about the current mods for Minecraft or theoretical economic models?

That uh... “sums” up Part I, I think… I will give you all a well-deserved break from my ramblings. Next week will be “Part II, Speaking in Groups” and maybe including two important sections “How to start a Conversation” and “How to respond to Conversations”.

If you have been reading these blog posts, I do appreciate it. Thanks for sticking through it and in that I hope you can understand where I am coming from. I have spent years studying where all of you come from, especially if you are neurotypical, or better known as “normal”. Also, I have heard some people wanted to comment on my blogs, but for some reason they couldn’t. I may need to check, but I am pretty sure I have comments allowed. But if you have issues with getting your comments posted, please let my wife or I know, and we will get this fixed.

NOTES: * I hope to devote some blog posts to physical education, sports and my experiences with those endeavors, or lack thereof, and how I coped and/or dealt with my physical limitations.