The "Skill" of Conversation, Part II; Speaking in Groups

So this post was supposed to include “How to start a Conversation” and “How to respond to a Conversation”. But I haven't developed these articles to well yet. And the current one you are about to read on “Speaking in Groups” grew to a gargantuan level. So this one only addresses the latter subject. I hope you enjoy it.

OK, Speaking in Groups does not include giving presentations or lectures in front of audiences. Its speaking “in” groups, not “in front” of groups. I have not done enough speeches or lectures to be able to write about it. Speaking in front of a group of people is a very uncomfortable business for me, to say the least. Most people might agree on that. This has more to do with sitting in a group of people talking, like at a party, a bible study or something like that. I have had a great opportunity to practice this type of speaking over the last several years as my wife and I attended several bible studies in which participants are encouraged to speak about what we are studying. It took a long time for me to say anything. But I as I got to know the people within the group better, I became familiar with them. I felt more comfortable speaking.

Disclaimer

Again, I have to insert the inconsistency disclaimer, this wasn’t always the case. It depends on who is in the group, what the subject matter is about and the atmosphere of the situation. I think most people in general can sense this, and may speak or not… then there are some who can speak anywhere, at any time with anyone, (I won’t mention names…).

Look Me in the Eye when You Speak to Me!!

So, starting off, when speaking in a group there is always the initial anxiety I experience, once entering the group. The floor has a more appealing appearance than looking at people in the face or the eye. Looking someone in the eye was very difficult for me when I was young. Then I was watching some TV show, and I don’t even remember which one, but one character said to the other… “Look me in the eye like a man…” Hmm, that had a profound effect on me. So there after, I made an effort and I forced myself to look people in the eye when I talked to them. I even went through a period when I spoke to people I would stare them in the eye and not even try to blink. It was overkill, but I didn’t realize it. I tried to compensate too much the other way. Also, when I was in karate, I was trained to never take my eyes of my opponent, so that further encouraged this “looking in the eye”, never taking my eyes off my “opponent” in the conversation. Then I heard once the possible misdirected observation by some people, if you are talking to someone, and you look away and do not look them in the eye, you must be lying. Now let’s be serious, this may be true in some cases, but let’s not get caught up in the issue that everyone that’s doing this must be lying… like I did. I had to learn to get over that, especially when some of those poor people I would have conversations with felt like I was going to burn a hole right through their head with my eagle eye stare when I talked to them.

There is also some kind of obsession among neurotypicals that in order to have a conversation, we must look each other in the eye. Really, try not to force someone with Asperger’s or Autism to look you in the eye when speaking, even if they are undiagnosed, and you may suspect that they are this way. This may be a way that they can talk so they can think about what they or you are saying, otherwise if they are looking at your face, or in your eyes, they could get sidetracked by studying all the details of your face, eye color, hair color, features and even skin tones or textures. Yes, Aspies and Autists can get caught up in these details, not even realizing it and then completely miss what you are saying. People have got to think outside the box today. There is a growing population of these gifted people, please don’t spend hours on end trying to get them to be like you, it will be frustrating and you could damage a person mentally and emotionally if you insist on doing this to them. I on the other hand, am a little bit different in that I knew I was different, so I wanted to be more like the “normal” people, only so I did not attract unwanted attention to my uniqueness, which usually never worked.

Getting back to speaking in groups, even at that point, there is still distress, and anxiety in speaking in a relatively small group, even with people and family I have known for all my life or for a very long time. Thus I have developed for myself a set of procedures if you will, as to when, what, how long I should speak. I have to work very hard at being concise, understandable, as well as thoughtful and sensitive to those around me. I do occasionally blurt out comments which I regret, because I feel like I didn’t plan accordingly about what I would say, so I could make my point clearly and efficiently, without causing any aversion for the listeners. Yet my blurting out could sound like I am being arrogannt, or even condescending, well that’s what it sounds like to me. Like I am some arrogant know it all correcting everyone on information they may not have right. I hate feeling like that, and more importantly I don’t want anyone to feel like I am doing such a thing.

Through using what I like to call procedures, or processes, allows me to immediately categorize what I would say in a group, and alleviate the bulk of what could be interpreted as blurting out “intellectual arrogance”.

Yes, there is a lot of time spent within my little brain, computing and contemplating on when and what to say. My intention is to be respectful, sincere. Sometimes it doesn’t come out that way, it may sound like a computer regurgitating information stored within a database. I use these skills so that the response is more conversational, human, instead of machine like.

“Entering the Group”

So, we are now in the group, and the neurotypicals are sitting around talking it up like they always do. Their natural function is to speak about almost anything. It’s like they all planned this out or something beforehand. A person talks, then finishes, then another person speaks, and people sit nodding their heads. It’s almost an orchestrated, scripted scene. Funny thing is, its not a planned situation, rather this is natural, “normal” human behavior. 
 

“Masters of Social Interaction”

Then there are those groups where multiple people are talking all at once, somehow, everyone understands each other. These are the supreme masters of social interaction, they are so adept at human socialization, they might have issues being by themselves for too long, because they just need to talk to someone (again, not naming names…) They all laugh and carry-on, and continue all talking at once. I will just sit there in utter disbelief because there is no order to the conversation, it’s absolutely chaotic, haphazard and illogical… to me, but for them, they are in that zone of keen interactive conversational prowess. It's like watching a tennis match... except there are ten players on each side and between them is a cloud of tennis balls bouncing back and forth, and each one of the players knows the location of all the balls in play. Can you picture this? This is what I think of when I see all of this chattering going on. It's crazy stuff! There is no way I can follow conversations when they do this. I will just sit back and watch these people in their element and wonder in dismay.

“Hearing in Noisy Environments”

To get sidetracked again, when in public places or in groups and there is a lot of talking going on, it is extremely hard for me to hear. This is another attribute of Asperger's and Autism. All of the talking, then maybe add music or a TV, and the whole thing meshes into one reverberating wave of static. I can't hear anything. It’s all good though, really, until someone says something to me, and it’s like I am at a rock concert. I see your mouth moving, but I cannot hear a word you are saying. Most of my life has been like that.

But I digress, I will usually just sit there and say nothing. Or I will hover on the outside, or wander about “through the woods” so to speak and explore my surroundings away from people. It’s really hard to just jump in and start talking. I will always say something awkward, and then there will be the awkward silence. The only way I feel comfortable jumping into a group conversation is if I am familiar with the subject matter.

Sometimes I will be in these groups, and then the unthinkable happens, actually it happens all the time. You hear those terrifying words… “Dwight, how are you doing?” Oh my, here we go…I will respond with the socially acceptable and well-practiced phrase “I’m good, how are you?” Now, really it’s not always that bad, something like that actually has a beneficial meaning for me. First, it says to me, I am welcome in the group. Two, it’s an invitation that if I have anything to say concerning the current topic of discussion I am more than welcome to interject my opinion on the matter. I have had to learn this and practice it, where this is an already known way of interaction for a neurotypical. In most cases, that’s all I will say, and then relief sets in as I know my requirement for entering the group discussion has passed and I didn’t say anything awkward.

Then the conversation will progress and I can just sit there and observe. Yes, depending on my state of mind, I will observe and analyze, or I will go off into dream world, thinking about something else. I have to be careful sometimes going off into dream world, as I will lose track of the current conversation. Hopefully no one will ask, “Dwight, what do you think of that?” Uh Oh, not good, then I will stare at you with a blank look or I will eventually be forced to concede with that embarrassing phrase “Uh, what were you talking about?”

The “Dream World” State

The dream world state is a constant thing for me, it happens anywhere, all the time. I remember my wife, then girlfriend, almost always drove when we went on dates or were going somewhere, maybe like a trip. If it was a long drive, I would end up staring out the window, and go into “dream world”. Now, this can confound my wife, not in a negative way, but she LOVES to talk, and talk a lot, about all sorts of subjects. She would be talking and I would just end up staring out the window. She used to ask me, “What’s wrong?” Which for her required several times of repetition, then I would finally respond with “What?” Thank goodness for my wife’s patience. As she has come to know me more over our many years together, she will now ask me “What are you thinking about?” or “Where are you?” I will tell her, and sometimes she might regret asking that question… (as an example, I will get the “over my head” gesture again…). What I am thinking about at the time usually has to do with just about anything my brain can process, because I have a vivid imagination, so I can entertain myself no matter what the circumstances. (I will have to explain that sometime in more detail). If you ever see me with a blank 100-yard stare… I’m usually in “dream-world”.

Moving on... and I need to wrap this up…

“Participating in the Group”...

This means actually talking in a group and having a real give and take conversation. So, let's say that the conversation, whatever it is, I actually get involved in. This has happened more and more the older I get. I have trained, learned new techniques, Clare's example and coaching, other people's example, especially other men that are in my life, have all taught me how I can participate in the typical human group conversation. This is called behavior or peer modeling, and I have done it almost all my life.

Humor helps a lot too. This can lighten up the situation and put everyone at ease, but you have to be careful not to say anything awkward. You don't want to offend or make someone uncomfortable. When I was first learning to do this, I did not have very much success because I had an odd sense of humor (I still do). Yet, as I got older, my sense of humor became more seasoned and not so awkward, and I was able to achieve some success in using humor to pave the way into a group conversation.

I have learned that when I speak about subjects I know a lot about, I can now be concise, speak intelligibly for the the audience that is listening, and get to my point very quickly. I have worked very hard at this. In the past, I have experienced multiple reactions when I was still learning. There were those cues I spoke about last week, that I would look for. There were also a few others to keep an eye out for if I spoke too long. Most usually when you are speaking, people will nod in agreement, or sit back and look off as if contemplating what I am saying, if I make eye contact, they will have slight smile on their face, this means its going good. If I get the blank stare, or the twisting in the seat, then I know I need to wrap up quickly, then be quiet so someone else has the opportunity to share or give input.

I would say that now, if I know the group well, I can walk in and usually start up a conversation with someone, but it really depends on how I feel. I think most people could agree with that statement. I have come a long way over the years and I feel as though I have made great strides speaking in groups. One of the reasons is because my wife and I attend a Sunday night bible study. This has been a blessed training ground for not only speaking to people, but also speaking out in a group. This was something I almost never did, or felt uncomfortable doing. I feel blessed to have had these opportunities to express myself. Its makes it all the better when you have a supportive group of friends who want to hear what you have to say. It really makes all the difference in the world.

Until next week, Thanks so much for reading,

To be continued.