Sports and Physical Education

With my beloved dog Switch, in 1985

Ah, my arch-enemy, the ever embarrassing and demeaning world of sports… according to my experience.  Don’t get me wrong. If you love sports, great, that’s your thing. But if you had to go through what I went through, and more importantly how I perceived it, you might understand where I am coming from.

So, I hope this blog post doesn’t end up being interpreted as a Sports and Physical Education bashing. It may sound like that at times. Team Sports has never really worked out for me. I do understand now that it can have great benefit, even for people on the spectrum, giving them a sense of belonging, encouragement, confidence and success. I do wince at what can be interpreted as our society’s overwhelming obsession with sports. There have been a few cases where I have had people in the past criticize my obsession with video games, or role playing games, or whatever I am interested in, but those same people could not see their own obsession with sports, and having their kids in sports. (Don’t worry if you think it’s you… these people I haven’t spoken to in years, and they will remain safely anonymous).

There does seem to be a general social consensus about sports as the being an acceptable past time, where other activities could be seen as nonconstructive,  anti-social or worse even deviant (video games can be an example of this). As long as it falls within this mindset, everyone, or most everyone, agrees that it is socially acceptable to be into sports. Video Games are not viewed as negatively, if they are sports video games. Even conversation, especially among males is more often than not, consumed with sports. Even though I am familiar with some of the rules of varying types of sports, most of the conversation can be a foreign language to me. Again, as I have mentioned before, I will politely nod and smile when sports is the subject of choice. Let’s just say I know a lot more about car, pro-street and mudder (gear head) talk than I do sports, but even that is a subject I still know little about, but at least I enjoy it immensely.

Let’s look at this though, sports gives the perceived accomplishments that most parents and participants want; social interaction, working with people in a group and playing on a team, physical activity, benchmarks for apparent success or achievement, and sometimes hoping that their kid’s involvement with sports will pave the way for a free ride to college and condition them for the workplace. This seems to be the attraction among the neurotypical and even not so neurotypical society that we live in and what makes sports so attractive for many people. But to be honest, not everyone fits nicely into this world view.

Sports and Physical Education in My Life

Now, as I have gotten older, I have realized now that some of my experience has been muddled by my perception, I admit this. How I perceived I was being treated by classmates had a lot to do with my reaction to my experience and how I remembered it. I was certainly teased, and at times bullied because of my inadequacy at sports or even just physical prowess. But as I try to remember what I can, some of my experience may have been what I know now to be kids just giving me a hard time and should not have been considered teasing or bullying (as how I interpreted it at the time). The intent was not as harmful as I perceived it. I do know this there were kids who I considered my friends who didn’t treat me this way. They were friends, and I did trust them enough to consider their actions as just giving me a hard time. There were some who were even encouraging to me. 

Then there were others who are in every class, who are athletic, capable of multiple feats of physical prowess, but a small minority mind you (I can't stress this enough), for some reason like to just crush those who would appear weaker, or incapable of performing like they can. This is predominately a male attribute that is found most often among youth, but as these children grow into adults, maturity kicks in and for the most part this behavior disappears… for most. There are still others, who even as adults just don’t get it and feel as though they still need to prove that they are physically superior to everyone else. There were others that I was afraid of, who by their mere presence intimidated me, and sometimes they just knew it. It’s like the weak, pitiful wolf in the pack who gets constantly harassed. That was my experience of Physical Education.

See kids like this that are weak, clumsy and uncoordinated are easy pickings for the stronger of the pack. They can be used as a stepping stone to masculine superiority. Let’s be honest, I was an easy target. I was the proverbial ninety-eight pound weakling. I could hardly do any pushups, or chin-ups and I couldn’t even climb the rope to the ceiling in the gym, it resulted in an almost constant rash of teasing.

I want to make sure you all understand that this was a minor number of kids that did this and I was not the only kid this happened too. There were others and I had no idea how they dealt with it.

LAST ONE PICKED

When I was put on a team… there were those who would complain… and loudly. “Awe Coach, not him, put him on someone else’s team” or “No!! No!!, awe man!!, now we are going to lose!!” and then there would be some laughter. That was my experience of team oriented Physical Education. Nobody wanted the clumsy kid on their team. Now, let’s look at this again, I was pretty sensitive about that, pretty thin skinned. My view of myself was already low, and then comments like those where maybe most kids could brush it off, really bothered me and upset me. Sometimes I just couldn’t get over it and move on. I carried a lot of depression and anger, when maybe I shouldn’t have. But the reality is, I did, and that anger grew.

“PHYSICAL SCIENCE”

Imagine for a minute how that would make you feel. And this isn’t just one time, it happened constantly. I hated Physical Education. It was probably one of the worst and most humiliating experiences of my life. In fact, just to give you an idea of how shy, naïve and terrified I was of Physical Education, when I was in the 8^th grade, we were signing up for classes for High School, we were supposed to take “Physical Science” our freshman year. I was so consumed with not taking a Physical Education classes; I thought that science class was PE, so I didn’t enroll in it. That put me a year behind the rest of my class in science. Also, I was not smart, in that I was afraid to ask anyone what that class really was. It never occurred to me until later it was the name for the freshman year Science course, not Physical Education. That’s just an example of how I could and sometimes today still misunderstand things, and not wanting to look or feel stupid, I wouldn’t ask for clarification.

SCHOOLS TODAY TOO SOFT?
I have read and heard about a lot of complaining about how students in today’s schools are treated too softly today, or coddled. To a certain extent I agree, but when it comes to things like I experienced, that sort of crap needs to end. Just speaking in general terms, allowing this kind of treatment of kids who cannot perform physically creates a lot of unnecessary problems for those kids in the future, primarily mental and emotional issues that they could carry with them for the rest of their life, like I have. Also, allowing the more capable kids to treat others this way should not be allowed, and it should be shut down as soon as it rears its ugly head. Rather those physically capable kids should be mentoring and encouraging the ones who have a hard time keeping up (I think in some certain instances this has already happened). Today, based on my own children’s current experience, the schools my children have attended have been for the most part encouraging and focused more on the physical health of kids and getting them interested. All of their schools have zero-tolerance for bullying, which I wish existed when I was in school. My wife and I have been very vigilant about our children’s experiences. For the most part, thankfully they have not had to deal with the extent of bullying and issues I did.

How did I Deal with All of This?

The teasing and bullying became less and less the further along I went in school. Some of this was just the maturity level of the kids, my maturity level as a young man. By the time I was a senior in High school, it was non-existent. I had had some successes in life, such as working a part time job that gave me confidence and exposed me to all sorts of people and personalities, so I was interestingly enough able to adapt and avoid behaviors and situations that would make me a target for bullying.

One of the greatest things that helped me overcome my weaknesses was ironically, physical activity in and of itself, but it wasn’t team sports, it was individual sports and activities that built up my confidence and rebuilt some of my views of myself.

WEIGHT TRAINING

1994 I think.. Clare took this.

The first was weight training. I started lifting weights in my parent’s basement when I was twelve. See, in middle school I had been bullied in several distinct instances. If fact, I do distinctly remember, a kid beating me up in the hallway during school and once the same kid beat the crap out of me during art class when the teacher walked out for a minute. I never told my parents this happened, because I figured if I told on the kid, then I was just being a big wimpy cry-baby. I might go into this in more detail later, but these were not isolated instances. This had occurred off and on through my whole primary and secondary academic experience.

Living with the humiliation that I had been beat up by a kid virtually twice to three times my size made me realize I needed to do something to protect myself, or at least prepare my mind and body for another eventual confrontation that would come. Lifting weights and becoming stronger was that first step. I had a lot of anger inside of me, because more often than not, I never fought back. I was afraid to. I feared more getting into trouble, disappointing my parents, and to be blunt, I was worried I would hurt the very person beating me up. So a lot of the aggression, anger and humiliation was bottled up inside. Lifting weights released that tension. I became addicted to that release.  I fed off of lifting, and for years I worked out at least three times a week. 

After I started dating Clare, she would sometimes watch me lift in the basement. I was taken back when she made an observation one time. She told me, “It’s not like you are working out or exercising in a fun sort of way, but it’s almost like you are punishing yourself.” That really shed a lot of light on my mental, emotional and physical state at that time and since I was twelve, I hated myself, I was disgusted by my cowardice, my weakness, my clumsiness, my awkwardness. I don’t know if I can explain to you how that feels. You are just so embarrassed with yourself, you can’t stand yourself.

CYCLING

I was late at learning how to ride a bike. It was until I was almost 10 years old, I finally learned how to ride. Once I learned how to ride, I couldn’t stop. I started riding back and forth to school, because the school bus was a whole other arena for potential bullying and teasing. I rode my bike all over the Kansas City area. Sometimes I could ride all day, if I had the time. Just to give you an idea of range of an average “ride”, when I was in college, I could ride from 75^th street and Woodson in Raytown, all the way to Blue Ridge Mall, and then over to Bannister Mall, and I was just getting started. I also started wearing a backpack full of weights, to get that "extra workout".  I usually finished my rides by carrying my bike on my back and running between 1 to 3 miles, with the backpack full of weights.   Riding from Central Raytown to Downtown Independence was nothing. The faster I could go on the bicycle, the better. Mind you this was before the big push in the 90’s for everyone to wear helmets while cycling, so yes, as fast as I could, sometimes on the shoulders of highways, on a mountain bike, with no protection whatsoever. I sincerely loved the wind blowing past me.

BOXING

Next was boxing. Now, I never was trained in boxing, I learned everything on my own. For a gift when I was 16 or 17, I got an eighty pound boxing bag. This was the one of the best gifts I had ever received. It was one thing lifting weights to increase physical power, but the boxing bag allowed me to apply that physical power. Boxing became a regular part of my weekly workout. Three times a week I worked out on the bag, till I couldn’t lift my arms. Again, maybe it became a part of that “punishing” myself, but I became very adept at boxing on a bag. I quickly discarded the protective boxing mits that came with the bag, and I trained barehanded almost all of the time. It was exhilarating to release all of that tension and aggression.

KARATE

When I was in community college, I came across the Shotokan style of Karate, an ancient form of Japanese martial art that was used by peasants to protect themselves from bandits and roving bands of ronin in a time when weapons were forbidden to be owned by the lower classes for fear of an uprising. This was perhaps the greatest awakening I had ever experienced. Karate melded everything that I had been searching for. As a hot tempered, angry young man, who saw very little worth in himself, Karate gave me an outlet for my aggression yet at the same time taught me self-control. Karate taught me to seek that inner peace and calm within myself as well as training me in all sorts of skills to protect myself from a would be attacker. My sensei instructed us on the basis of never attacking first, but defending, then counter attacking to render the opponent a non-threat as quickly and efficiently as possible.

I also started running barefoot to toughen my feet for karate, because you practice and train barefoot. I started running all the time… on pavement, gravel, anywhere… in all weather, in 30 degree weather, with rain or snow… with only shorts on… People would drive by in their cars, all bundled up in coats and gloves and just stare at me as I ran by them, half naked, barefoot, running in the rain… or snow… yes, I was intense.

Fortunately, except for sparring, which in those days we only wore a mouth piece and cloth mits, I never have fought another human being to protect myself. Yet, even today, the basics that I learned in those karate classes have remained with me even unto today. But to bring back the concept of the empathy I have, harming another person causes me a lots of issues, but that perception can quickly change if it means protecting my wife and children.

MELEE WEAPONS

Now, I am not expert or master in the use of any melee weapons (from clubs, axes, knives, spears and swords), but I am intensely interested in the entire subject and mostly self-taught, never being instructed under any weapons master… yet. This encompasses all forms of melee weaponry from both East and West. I do have many padded weapons I train with off and on, as well as a number of manuals on fighting with melee arms. Several are copies from the Renaissance, translated from Latin into English on use of the spear, pole-axe, staff, short sword, long sword and knives and daggers. I use a lot of these movements, of both the East and West to test movements of my characters in the stories I write which are heavy laden in both melee and hand to hand combat.

So my experience with Physical Education and Sports was not good at all, but if I could glean anything positive from it, it spurred me to pursue individual endeavors which helped me cope with the world I lived in. I also found a way to combine what I love with Physical activity. Also, Physical activity in and of itself aided greatly in releasing tension, aggression, anger, and anxiety.

Until Next time...

The Social Outing, Part II

As I learn, read and write more, I noticed my style is changing. This is more apparent the greater number of blogs I publish publicly. See, I don’t publish everything. I rant a lot, and have been working very hard over the years to not get offended, not be argumentative, not pummel people with my intellect, because I think I am right. But to be honest, I have to release some steam somewhere. Thus I let it go in my journals, pages upon pages, of critiquing myself, my behavior, or how I perceive reality, of the frustrations I experience as a result of the limitations of my own intelligence and wisdom. I also, critique our culture, our civilization and the human race. Today’s blog post is none of that, but I will attempt to breakdown for you a simplified look at a typical social outing that my wife I and I will go on. Let’s go through a rundown of the typical Social Outing for Clare and Dwight. Some of you may find this humorous or odd, others will go, “Yeah, I get this”

The Social Outing – Preparation:

First there is the preparation. This begins weeks ahead of time as I am informed that we will be going on a social outing. Clare will tell me that we are doing something. She swears she tells me all the time. Honestly, I usually have no recollection that something will be happening. So she, in her way, reminds me. Over the last few years I have gotten smart, and I will ask that all important question “Anything going on I should know about?” or “What do I need to know about this week?” and the ever important “Is there something going on this weekend?” It’s also worthy to note, that if something is sprung on me at the last minute, there can be drama. Yes drama, because I have already planned out my hours of research, gaming, writing, or working on art. See I continually plan out my time constantly. If my wife never notified me of anything going on, or she did not express her desire to go out and do something, we probably would never go anywhere. I would always be the mad scientist continually bumbling and stumbling in his laboratory muttering to himself. So notice ahead of time is greatly appreciated, and works quite well… if I remember it.

Compromise and understanding are paramount to a healthy relationship, so over the years I have retrained myself to become more sensitive to my wife’s desire to go be social with people. People are also going to want to come over. Thus I account for this in my perceived schedule. Now don’t get me wrong, if an emergency comes up and someone needs my assistance, I am there; I drop everything to go help. I must also note that if you expect me to help you by subtle hints, or by some other enigmatic form of human subtlety, I won’t get it, therefore, I won’t help you. You have to understand, I am not being an asshole, you have to come to me and ask plainly. I never understand why some people have such a hard time coming and asking for help, they actually expect me to pick up on their signals.

Let’s move on, as the days and weeks progress, I will receive reminders that said social outing is coming. I forget multiple times that it is coming. The oddity of myself is that I can remember American Civil War artillery calibers, alloy compositions for Bronze Age swords, historical migrations of peoples across the face of the earth, barriers to attaining theoretical antimatter propulsion, but I have difficulty remembering that we are going to Mr. and Mrs. So and So's house on a Saturday night. I have found that this is common among the spectrum. Though the older I get, I have learned to live my life “in the ready” because I know something maybe coming that I forgot about. The primary motivation for the “in the ready” mindset, is also to limit drama to a minimum.

The Day of the Social Outing

Yes, the start of the day is good, but as it gets closer to getting ready to leave. Irritation and anxiety steadily increase. Now, it hasn't always been this way. There have been times where social outings would not be as complex or difficult. I do know when I was young, a social outing could be a positive thing. If it is something I am deeply interested in, like a museum, the zoo or as they used to have them , a hobby store, then the less the anxiety. If we are going to a party and lots of people are going to be there and they will all want to talk about what normal people want to talk about, and doing what normal people want to do, then yes, anxiety is higher.

Also, there are times I have to be reminded to take a shower and brush my teeth. Not always, but sometimes. It all started in High school though, I was very aware of not wanting anyone to “smell” me. So I religiously took a shower every day and brushed and flossed my teeth profusely. I did not want to attract any unwanted negative attention. But as I have gotten older, and if it’s not a routine work day, I may forget to bathe and maintain proper hygiene. This will result in reminders that yes, I need to take a shower and brush my teeth so as not to offend anyone, especially my wife with my human odors. Vacations, which are a complete interruption of the routine can cause all sorts of hygiene issues, to which I forget what a shower is, and I don’t know what a tooth brush looks like. Actually it’s not that bad, (my wife may disagree about this), but I will hear that subtle reminder, “Did you take a shower today?” or “Did you brush your teeth?”

The Social Outing – Leaving.

Some of it has to do with I guess you have to really want to leave and go do something. When there is something more fun or interesting at home to do, like modding a video game, working on animations or writing, it gets to be a struggle to leave. Then, if I do actually go to some social outing, there is always the nagging feeling in the back of my mind; I could be getting this done or that finished.

There is a major factor that changes all this behavior. If I have told someone I will be somewhere at a certain time. That makes all the difference in the world. If I have said I will be somewhere at a certain time, or I am going to meet someone, then I turn into a crazy fool, because I don't want to be late. I had to learn the hard way, if you told someone you were going to be somewhere at a certain time and you were late, it wasn't good. This is so true, if its just me, and not the rest of the family, I will always make it a point to be early or on time. If it involves five children, that's a whole different story. I can become a raving lunatic if the children act as though they are running on molasses, really, its comedy in action.

The Social Outing – On our way.

First, there is the “Briefing”. I will be briefed by my wife as to where we are going, who will be there and how long will we be there (remember I must get back to my “research”). Now, some of this I was already told in the previous weeks and days. So either I have already forgotten or I need clarification. If the situation requires it, she may prepare me for what to expect. Or I will simply ask questions. It’s really not so regimented and rudimentary. It doesn't always happen like this. Acquiring intelligence and data on what will be happening certainly will prepare me for how to behave and what to expect. We do this with our kids, especially my two sons, who as I mentioned are autistic, both on opposite ends of the spectrum. One is somewhat like me when I was a teenager, but he can be completely oblivious to what’s going on. We will ask him if he knows what we are doing. Only sometimes does he know. He is so even keeled though, if he is anxious about where we are going, we are not aware of it. My other son, who is non-verbal and has cognitive issues, but he is very aware and very smart. He cannot ask questions or may even not know where we are going unless we tell him. Even telling him can be involved by showing him videos or pictures of places ,people and things that will be there, all to the point of preparing him for new encounters, in an attempt to reduce anxiety and upset. He seems for the most part to be comfortable, as long as he is with us. But this doesn’t always work for him. There have been times where I sat with him on the front porch of a relative’s house on Christmas Day for about four hours, in 15 degree weather in about 12” of snow, because he was terrified of the dogs inside the house. (I may write more on this later, we shall see…)

The Social Outing – At the Social Event.

This is usually where I let Clare enter first. Yes, sacrifice the social “lamb” to the ravenous neurotypical wolves hungering for conversation and social interaction, while I remain safely in her shadow, not having to say anything. I will follow closely behind as she does her “mingling” that she does so well. At some of these outings, I will never say very much. I might even disappear and find a television and just watch some discovery or history channel show or read a book on my phone. Yet, there have been times, where other men have invited me to do things to get “involved” in the social interaction of the gathering. One time, we went to a friend's party at their house and the guy that put on the party got me involved in a game of washers. That was at first the strangest, but best experience I ever had. He made a point to make me feel comfortable at a party with multiple people I didn't know. It made all the difference in the world and... I actually had a great time.

Also, I would like to mention that my wife and I used to go out to bars and dance places. I found it odd that I didn't have that much anxiety. These places were packed with people. People I didn't even know. When we would go, I was always the designated driver (because I quit drinking shortly after we were married) and my wife got to drink and have some fun. Heck, I even danced with her and I thought that was crazy, but the more we did this, the more relaxed I became about it. When I was younger, I was always “on watch”, guarding my wife, always worried about some mysterious threat that maybe lurking around the corner. I know, I was paranoid, I still am somewhat. As I got older, I got over this, and I was able to relax more. Lately, we haven't gone out to places like that for a while, especially on a regular basis.

The Social Outing – Leaving

Depending on the situation, I usually want to leave at a certain time. Sometimes I get bored and antsy. To be honest, I usually won’t ever ask to leave or try to get my wife to leave. This is her time, and I need to be patient and understanding, sensitive to what she enjoys, especially if she is having a good time. See, with having five children, we just don't get to go out very often, and I don't want to do anything to cut the night short. I know my wife needs this time to enjoy herself and I care about that. I want her to have a good time. So more often than not, if its a special party with people we haven't seen on a regular basis, I am more than patient, ready to leave only when she is.

The Social Outing – Debriefing

As we are headed home, finally, we will converse about what occurred at the social event. I will ask her lots of questions sometimes about why did someone do this, or why did they say that. My wife, being a natural teacher, explains to me typical human behavior. We will have continuous and extensive conversation about the evening. Notice, I most likely didn't talk very much the entire evening, while she talked non-stop and she still has plenty of words to go before the day ends.

Clare has been my ambassador and translator for me in the neurotypical world. Before I met her, a lot of what I experienced was based on assumption, observation, analysis and simple trial and error. It liken it to a blind man groping in the dark not knowing what he was grabbing at or where he was going. Then came a bright light into my world and she began to show me why things worked the way they did. In all of this, it must be understood that there is no pressure, there is no high expectation of my wife to get it right all the time. I am just watching and learning, and she clarifies issues and questions that would come up. The time going home can be a great opportunity for explanation and learning.

The Social Outing – Conclusion

If its not too late, I will jump back on my computer, or whatever I was working on. Sometimes I have to remember what I was doing. This is decompress time. I need to be alone for a bit so I can process what happened and relax after what sometimes could be a grueling experience.

I touched briefly on the rundown of the typical social outing. It is a process, a procedure, which has been a theme of this blog. It’s one of the tools that gets me through everyday life. I hope you have enjoyed reading. Thanks again,

Until next time...

The Social Outing, Part I

One of the fundamental activities of the neurotypical existence has to do with the peculiar ceremony of the “Social Outing”. It is called “Outing” because it means leaving a place of residence or better yet, the current form of “cave” in which mankind dwells. “Social” refers to the point of the “outing” as being interaction with other human beings, as opposed to leaving said place of residence for more practical purposes like getting food or going to Vintage Stock. It’s bad enough having to leave the house to go to work, but to leave and go socialize with people? Really? Well it’s not really that bad.

My whole life, which can appear to the outsider as a mixed bag of inconsistency, can include times where I have enjoyed both isolation and social interaction. Again it depends on the context and who I will be meeting with. Also there is a lot to do with whether my wife will be going with me. Yes, it can sound like co-dependency, and to a certain extent it may be. Looking at it on the serious side, I am working everyday to be more independent, but on the other side, I look at it as though I'm making up for those years I spent a lot of time in isolation. Simply because you live in a house with people and you may go to school and even be in an urban setting, doesn't necessarily mean you can't be isolated. Like I have mentioned before, I spent the majority of my childhood and young adulthood alone. I even went to many places alone either by walking, cycling or later by car. There were times I played with friends or even at the end of high school, I actually went to a couple of parties. But more often than not, I found myself in circumstances where I was alone and I enjoyed it. But then there were also times where I became lonely and I sought out friendship, but maintaining it in a meaningful manner was a whole other story.

Since I have been married, my wife has had to at times drag me out of the house to go out and be … Social. There are other times where I had to drag her to things that may not have been necessarily her cup of tea so to speak, yet I was glad she accompanied me.

There will inevitably be social outings we will attend. There are some we attend every week. Almost like clockwork, hours before it is time to leave, I find myself crabby, and almost outright angry. Though, this has a lot to do with if I am working on something. An example would be coding on a game, working on some kind of digital art, or troubleshooting errors within code. I can become almost irate, because of this “interruption” in my “research”. I liken it to a mad scientist whose work gets interrupted and then throws a fit when he has to stop working. It can be quite humorous. At the time, and maybe for others on the spectrum, these interruptions of solitude can be a problem. Having to leave something where you are on the verge of discovery, after hours upon hours of endless trial and error attempts can cause irritation and frustration, then later trying to return to it and remember where you left off poses still more challenges. I have been like this all my life. Even before I ever put my hands to a keyboard and mouse of a computer, I used to build models, write or draw, and my reaction would be the same. Having to stop what I was doing, put down what I was working on and go somewhere always jarred my world. But to be honest, if it were not for my wife caring and having me go someplace with her, I may never leave what I was working on.

I really think that some of the irritation or emotion associated with leaving could also have to do with social anxiety. Where going someplace, or even to someone's house can cause me anxiety. Yes, even groups that we see every week. When I have to cross that threshold of a friend’s house where I know there is a group of people, I have to breathe through it, like I am getting ready to dive off a cliff. Especially that initial walking into the room and all eyes turn on you. Well, actually they don’t, but I feel like they do. I just want to find a hole to crawl into. I really wish I could just disappear into the wall and not be seen. I still have not been able to thoroughly explain or understand this feeling. Its almost like its embarrassment, of myself and I don't understand why yet.

I do quite well with one on one, or very small groups of three or four. Anything above that and I get uncomfortable, sometimes to the point that I would like to abandon ship. But again it has to do with context and how well I know the participants of the Social Outing. If I know what to expect from people, it makes it much easier to deal with. I know that if I go to a person's house, one that I go to every week for instance. I can gather who will be there, what to expect and how long we will be there. The anxiety part can be much less. Though if its a party where there will be about 30 or 40 people, more than half I have never met, and I have never been to the place, the anxiety heightens.

That's all for this week. Pretty short. Next week, look for Part II, as I will explain the process I go through to cope with interacting groups of people.

Thanks again for reading.

The "Skill" of Conversation, Part II; Speaking in Groups

So this post was supposed to include “How to start a Conversation” and “How to respond to a Conversation”. But I haven't developed these articles to well yet. And the current one you are about to read on “Speaking in Groups” grew to a gargantuan level. So this one only addresses the latter subject. I hope you enjoy it.

OK, Speaking in Groups does not include giving presentations or lectures in front of audiences. Its speaking “in” groups, not “in front” of groups. I have not done enough speeches or lectures to be able to write about it. Speaking in front of a group of people is a very uncomfortable business for me, to say the least. Most people might agree on that. This has more to do with sitting in a group of people talking, like at a party, a bible study or something like that. I have had a great opportunity to practice this type of speaking over the last several years as my wife and I attended several bible studies in which participants are encouraged to speak about what we are studying. It took a long time for me to say anything. But I as I got to know the people within the group better, I became familiar with them. I felt more comfortable speaking.

Disclaimer

Again, I have to insert the inconsistency disclaimer, this wasn’t always the case. It depends on who is in the group, what the subject matter is about and the atmosphere of the situation. I think most people in general can sense this, and may speak or not… then there are some who can speak anywhere, at any time with anyone, (I won’t mention names…).

Look Me in the Eye when You Speak to Me!!

So, starting off, when speaking in a group there is always the initial anxiety I experience, once entering the group. The floor has a more appealing appearance than looking at people in the face or the eye. Looking someone in the eye was very difficult for me when I was young. Then I was watching some TV show, and I don’t even remember which one, but one character said to the other… “Look me in the eye like a man…” Hmm, that had a profound effect on me. So there after, I made an effort and I forced myself to look people in the eye when I talked to them. I even went through a period when I spoke to people I would stare them in the eye and not even try to blink. It was overkill, but I didn’t realize it. I tried to compensate too much the other way. Also, when I was in karate, I was trained to never take my eyes of my opponent, so that further encouraged this “looking in the eye”, never taking my eyes off my “opponent” in the conversation. Then I heard once the possible misdirected observation by some people, if you are talking to someone, and you look away and do not look them in the eye, you must be lying. Now let’s be serious, this may be true in some cases, but let’s not get caught up in the issue that everyone that’s doing this must be lying… like I did. I had to learn to get over that, especially when some of those poor people I would have conversations with felt like I was going to burn a hole right through their head with my eagle eye stare when I talked to them.

There is also some kind of obsession among neurotypicals that in order to have a conversation, we must look each other in the eye. Really, try not to force someone with Asperger’s or Autism to look you in the eye when speaking, even if they are undiagnosed, and you may suspect that they are this way. This may be a way that they can talk so they can think about what they or you are saying, otherwise if they are looking at your face, or in your eyes, they could get sidetracked by studying all the details of your face, eye color, hair color, features and even skin tones or textures. Yes, Aspies and Autists can get caught up in these details, not even realizing it and then completely miss what you are saying. People have got to think outside the box today. There is a growing population of these gifted people, please don’t spend hours on end trying to get them to be like you, it will be frustrating and you could damage a person mentally and emotionally if you insist on doing this to them. I on the other hand, am a little bit different in that I knew I was different, so I wanted to be more like the “normal” people, only so I did not attract unwanted attention to my uniqueness, which usually never worked.

Getting back to speaking in groups, even at that point, there is still distress, and anxiety in speaking in a relatively small group, even with people and family I have known for all my life or for a very long time. Thus I have developed for myself a set of procedures if you will, as to when, what, how long I should speak. I have to work very hard at being concise, understandable, as well as thoughtful and sensitive to those around me. I do occasionally blurt out comments which I regret, because I feel like I didn’t plan accordingly about what I would say, so I could make my point clearly and efficiently, without causing any aversion for the listeners. Yet my blurting out could sound like I am being arrogannt, or even condescending, well that’s what it sounds like to me. Like I am some arrogant know it all correcting everyone on information they may not have right. I hate feeling like that, and more importantly I don’t want anyone to feel like I am doing such a thing.

Through using what I like to call procedures, or processes, allows me to immediately categorize what I would say in a group, and alleviate the bulk of what could be interpreted as blurting out “intellectual arrogance”.

Yes, there is a lot of time spent within my little brain, computing and contemplating on when and what to say. My intention is to be respectful, sincere. Sometimes it doesn’t come out that way, it may sound like a computer regurgitating information stored within a database. I use these skills so that the response is more conversational, human, instead of machine like.

“Entering the Group”

So, we are now in the group, and the neurotypicals are sitting around talking it up like they always do. Their natural function is to speak about almost anything. It’s like they all planned this out or something beforehand. A person talks, then finishes, then another person speaks, and people sit nodding their heads. It’s almost an orchestrated, scripted scene. Funny thing is, its not a planned situation, rather this is natural, “normal” human behavior. 
 

“Masters of Social Interaction”

Then there are those groups where multiple people are talking all at once, somehow, everyone understands each other. These are the supreme masters of social interaction, they are so adept at human socialization, they might have issues being by themselves for too long, because they just need to talk to someone (again, not naming names…) They all laugh and carry-on, and continue all talking at once. I will just sit there in utter disbelief because there is no order to the conversation, it’s absolutely chaotic, haphazard and illogical… to me, but for them, they are in that zone of keen interactive conversational prowess. It's like watching a tennis match... except there are ten players on each side and between them is a cloud of tennis balls bouncing back and forth, and each one of the players knows the location of all the balls in play. Can you picture this? This is what I think of when I see all of this chattering going on. It's crazy stuff! There is no way I can follow conversations when they do this. I will just sit back and watch these people in their element and wonder in dismay.

“Hearing in Noisy Environments”

To get sidetracked again, when in public places or in groups and there is a lot of talking going on, it is extremely hard for me to hear. This is another attribute of Asperger's and Autism. All of the talking, then maybe add music or a TV, and the whole thing meshes into one reverberating wave of static. I can't hear anything. It’s all good though, really, until someone says something to me, and it’s like I am at a rock concert. I see your mouth moving, but I cannot hear a word you are saying. Most of my life has been like that.

But I digress, I will usually just sit there and say nothing. Or I will hover on the outside, or wander about “through the woods” so to speak and explore my surroundings away from people. It’s really hard to just jump in and start talking. I will always say something awkward, and then there will be the awkward silence. The only way I feel comfortable jumping into a group conversation is if I am familiar with the subject matter.

Sometimes I will be in these groups, and then the unthinkable happens, actually it happens all the time. You hear those terrifying words… “Dwight, how are you doing?” Oh my, here we go…I will respond with the socially acceptable and well-practiced phrase “I’m good, how are you?” Now, really it’s not always that bad, something like that actually has a beneficial meaning for me. First, it says to me, I am welcome in the group. Two, it’s an invitation that if I have anything to say concerning the current topic of discussion I am more than welcome to interject my opinion on the matter. I have had to learn this and practice it, where this is an already known way of interaction for a neurotypical. In most cases, that’s all I will say, and then relief sets in as I know my requirement for entering the group discussion has passed and I didn’t say anything awkward.

Then the conversation will progress and I can just sit there and observe. Yes, depending on my state of mind, I will observe and analyze, or I will go off into dream world, thinking about something else. I have to be careful sometimes going off into dream world, as I will lose track of the current conversation. Hopefully no one will ask, “Dwight, what do you think of that?” Uh Oh, not good, then I will stare at you with a blank look or I will eventually be forced to concede with that embarrassing phrase “Uh, what were you talking about?”

The “Dream World” State

The dream world state is a constant thing for me, it happens anywhere, all the time. I remember my wife, then girlfriend, almost always drove when we went on dates or were going somewhere, maybe like a trip. If it was a long drive, I would end up staring out the window, and go into “dream world”. Now, this can confound my wife, not in a negative way, but she LOVES to talk, and talk a lot, about all sorts of subjects. She would be talking and I would just end up staring out the window. She used to ask me, “What’s wrong?” Which for her required several times of repetition, then I would finally respond with “What?” Thank goodness for my wife’s patience. As she has come to know me more over our many years together, she will now ask me “What are you thinking about?” or “Where are you?” I will tell her, and sometimes she might regret asking that question… (as an example, I will get the “over my head” gesture again…). What I am thinking about at the time usually has to do with just about anything my brain can process, because I have a vivid imagination, so I can entertain myself no matter what the circumstances. (I will have to explain that sometime in more detail). If you ever see me with a blank 100-yard stare… I’m usually in “dream-world”.

Moving on... and I need to wrap this up…

“Participating in the Group”...

This means actually talking in a group and having a real give and take conversation. So, let's say that the conversation, whatever it is, I actually get involved in. This has happened more and more the older I get. I have trained, learned new techniques, Clare's example and coaching, other people's example, especially other men that are in my life, have all taught me how I can participate in the typical human group conversation. This is called behavior or peer modeling, and I have done it almost all my life.

Humor helps a lot too. This can lighten up the situation and put everyone at ease, but you have to be careful not to say anything awkward. You don't want to offend or make someone uncomfortable. When I was first learning to do this, I did not have very much success because I had an odd sense of humor (I still do). Yet, as I got older, my sense of humor became more seasoned and not so awkward, and I was able to achieve some success in using humor to pave the way into a group conversation.

I have learned that when I speak about subjects I know a lot about, I can now be concise, speak intelligibly for the the audience that is listening, and get to my point very quickly. I have worked very hard at this. In the past, I have experienced multiple reactions when I was still learning. There were those cues I spoke about last week, that I would look for. There were also a few others to keep an eye out for if I spoke too long. Most usually when you are speaking, people will nod in agreement, or sit back and look off as if contemplating what I am saying, if I make eye contact, they will have slight smile on their face, this means its going good. If I get the blank stare, or the twisting in the seat, then I know I need to wrap up quickly, then be quiet so someone else has the opportunity to share or give input.

I would say that now, if I know the group well, I can walk in and usually start up a conversation with someone, but it really depends on how I feel. I think most people could agree with that statement. I have come a long way over the years and I feel as though I have made great strides speaking in groups. One of the reasons is because my wife and I attend a Sunday night bible study. This has been a blessed training ground for not only speaking to people, but also speaking out in a group. This was something I almost never did, or felt uncomfortable doing. I feel blessed to have had these opportunities to express myself. Its makes it all the better when you have a supportive group of friends who want to hear what you have to say. It really makes all the difference in the world.

Until next week, Thanks so much for reading,

To be continued.

The "Skills" of Conversation, Part I

Exploring "Sincere Reciprocal Conversation" or the Lack Therof...

The title of this post is slightly overblown, but let’s get started, shall we? Today, I tackle perhaps one of the most difficult aspects for myself as an Aspie, …Conversation. I could probably write a whole book on this subject, who knows, I just might.

Conversation has been a roller coaster of inconsistency all my life. Depending on subject matter, I can be very conversational or most of the time, I just clam up, not really knowing what to say. As my interests have changed over the years, so have the things I feel I can or want to talk about.

Training myself to listen to people and actually care about things they are talking about has been the primary focus of this area of “skill”, other aspects of this “focus” concerns as well, the ability to carry on a “normal” conversation in an effort to “hide” my awkwardness, my obsessions with peculiar subjects and to be sincere with people and their feelings. For things I like to talk about, I can drone on and on about subjects I love, maybe causing most people either extreme boredom, a sense of “what are you talking about?” to outright aversion because I might seem like a “know it all” or arrogant, which is not the case at all.  I certainly don’t “know it all” and I never ever want to come off as arrogant... yuck!

Now I am not totally incapable of “typical” socialization or conversation. I can work through it if I have to. I can change my demeanor and act “normal” if you will, if I have too, but for a limited amount of time. This is from years of training. But inside, I can range from bored out of my mind to scared senseless. This “acting” takes a lot of energy, both mental and physical.

But sincerely, I work very hard at reciprocal conversation. I have spent a lot of time training and learning how to listen and have a sincere give and take conversation. But there are certain subjects I have to be careful with that could wind up trapping some poor soul in a lengthy monologue, droning on and on about endless facts. Anything to do with my “worlds” I am writing about, video games, history, especially military history, weaponry, science fiction, fantasy, martial arts (from sword fighting, hand to hand combat and all sorts of melee weapons), sometimes 4X4 trucks, especially mudder trucks, some science fiction and fantasy, “religion” (as a general term covering most aspects of Judeo-Christian history and faith, as well as apologetics concerning other religions)… see there I go…, and there are many others I will spare you the details with, that are subjects probably to avoid, unless you don’t mind me going on and on about them.

I have learned a lot by watching Clare speak with people, of which there is an abundance of opportunity to see her in action. I pick up on her techniques and mannerisms, like it’s some kind of thing she has trained to do. See this is who she is, and I watch and I learn. I study how she introduces herself, how the conversation starts… I analyze people’s reactions. How they respond. All of this is cataloged and stored to be used at a later time when I need it. It has been through observation and analysis, not to mention counseling and training with Clare, I have developed to the level I am at now. There is still much room for growth. Ever since I began to realize I didn’t “fit in” (I was very young), I observed other people and how they interacted in public. This has also helped in developing a generalization of behaviors and skills to use when interacting with the public on a social level.

In working through this conversation self-education I have submitted myself too, I have learned to look for “cues” that I need to stop talking, if I ever do start talking, and that my conversation partner is becoming quickly disinterested in my rambling, or even if I have been speaking for just a few short minutes. This can take the form of wandering eyes, scanning the landscape desperately for a more suitable or exciting conversation partner or the ever obvious yawn (that is an immediate signal I should shut up) and various facial expressions that display what I interpret as confusion, boredom or desperate panic to run away. When I see these “cues” I immediately sum up the conversation to give that person an out. Why shouldn’t I? They are obviously not interested in what I am saying, so I should think about them and just let them go. It is also not always up to me; people will sometimes just start talking to someone else or just walk off and start speaking to another person, while I am right in mid-sentence. This used to offend me greatly, until my wife explained to me (many, many times over the years) that this was normal for neurotypical people to do this, especially people with ADD.

So, really more often than not, I just don’t say anything to anyone, especially about subjects I am deeply interested in, I will just save you the “pain” in most cases. There is really no way I can have a real reciprocal conversation with anyone about subjects I love and know a lot about, except maybe just a very minute, trusted number of you and only if you have patience and interest. I talked a lot with a friend I used to work with, he called me a “walking encyclopedia of knowledge”, and I never looked at myself like that. Imagine for a second, having a storehouse of knowledge, intense, deep knowledge about subjects that are obscure, complex, wide in scope or highly technical, and there is no one, virtually no one to share them with. Just think about that for a moment. It’s no wonder I can become isolationist at times. Alone in a world where no one understands you or really cares about what you know.

There is a growing section of the population that can only relate to one another online or on some kind of device because distance separates those who have these intense, often highly specialized interests. There is no one to talk to in the immediate region in which they live and share their knowledge. This by the way is the real reason the internet came to be in the first place, so that scientists and researchers could share information with each other, even though they were separated by thousands of miles. I will digress right there and not go further on that subject for now.

That’s why I love writing. No one can interrupt you. No one yawns, no one’s eyes wander or roll, at least that I have to see, and as a reader, you get the luxury of putting your electronic reading device down and walking away at your leisure. There is no, what I interpret as rudeness or carelessness, by the ever present interruptions of neurotypicality, blank looks, or acting as if they are listening, but really they are not, and best of all, I never see you walk away from me while I am still speaking, going to talk to someone else more “fun”. And certainly no one has to run away, really…you can just go to another web page.

Let’s not forget the number of words an average human male speaks in a day. Which is currently around 7000 words for men (20000 for women). So for myself, unless it’s something I am intensely interested in or I know a lot about, the number is far less than the typical. I know I have gone for a number of days only speaking a few hundred words a day, if that (which can drive my wife batty). I know when I have talked too much though; my voice begins to get hoarse and broken, and I am exhausted (my vocal cords are just not used to that much over use). Then I have to drink liquids and stop talking just so I know that I will be able to say something tomorrow.

On the other hand, the common subjects of shallow reciprocal conversation include work/job, kids, weather and maybe food. I have learned to have short cordial conversations about these subjects, but anything other than that, and I may look at you like you are boring or I may stand there with a pleasant smile on my face and nodding, not really knowing what you are talking about, but trying to be polite and not to offend. This especially happens if the subject matter drifts to the overarching male dominated fascination (and ever growing female fascination) with sports*. Especially the Big 5, as I call them, Baseball, Football, Basketball, Soccer and Golf. I can barely play these sports much less carry on the conversation about them. Yes, narrow minded right? Yeah I just can’t get into them, I tried, but they just don’t interest me and I am still not sure why. Maybe it has something to do with when I was younger I just couldn’t play these sports, I was too clumsy, I didn’t know the rules, heck I couldn’t even catch a football or hit a baseball. I was continuously the butt of teasing, harassment and disparagement because I was no good at sports, so I associate negative feelings and memories with them. Or, maybe some of it has to do with everyone else is into them so I am subconsciously not going to like it; because it’s so popular… well that’s the running theory at the moment. It’s an “other side of the fence” thing, if you will allow me to use the term loosely. Also, that it doesn’t have anything to do with sword fighting (not fencing), explosions (from firecrackers to nuclear tests), spaceships, tanks, airplanes, dragons, power plants (fictional or theoretical to real), naval vessels (all time periods, by the way), energy weapons (theoretical and fictional), spears and pole arms, early firearms (up to the late 19th century), torsion and tension ranged weaponry (i.e. bows and crossbows), artillery (all periods), rockets (including guided or “smart” missiles), Flash Gordon, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings or historical/fictional tactical and strategic warfare (oops, sorry, see… there I go again…rambling on and on).

As you can tell, most “normal” people don’t talk about these things. So I just write in journals… lots of journals (I have five I write in at this time) and now on blogs, and I don’t say much to anyone. It has taken a lot for me to come out of my shell and speak at all, but I truly try to work at being concise, and make sure I speak in a way most people can understand. As for my poor wife, she feels like she lives with a person who speaks a foreign language most of the time (I always get the “over my head” gesture from her, at which I quickly stop talking). Yet, some of my children, they are of like mind, and they “get” me. These guys do know some of what I am talking about and they are a blessing to me, otherwise who (as an example), would I have to talk to other than my 13 year old daughter about the current mods for Minecraft or theoretical economic models?

That uh... “sums” up Part I, I think… I will give you all a well-deserved break from my ramblings. Next week will be “Part II, Speaking in Groups” and maybe including two important sections “How to start a Conversation” and “How to respond to Conversations”.

If you have been reading these blog posts, I do appreciate it. Thanks for sticking through it and in that I hope you can understand where I am coming from. I have spent years studying where all of you come from, especially if you are neurotypical, or better known as “normal”. Also, I have heard some people wanted to comment on my blogs, but for some reason they couldn’t. I may need to check, but I am pretty sure I have comments allowed. But if you have issues with getting your comments posted, please let my wife or I know, and we will get this fixed.

NOTES: * I hope to devote some blog posts to physical education, sports and my experiences with those endeavors, or lack thereof, and how I coped and/or dealt with my physical limitations.

Life Together: The Prologue

I think this will be a multi-part series, not sure how many parts it will have, but this is the Prologue. Let’s start with how I will relate to you our general personalities and I will, over the series attempt to communicate to you how as a married couple we interact and get along through life, with a lot of weight on my experience and perspective as an Aspie.

Clare is very much a free spirit. At times, when we were dating I thought she was a hippie. She likes to be on the go, she is not much for organization, she likes to go with her heart, she is an excellent source of common sense and she is very street wise. She loves to shop, especially for bargains. She is quite capable of reading people, it’s an amazing gift she has. Her social capabilities are on par with special forces commandos who have seen years of combat. She has the ability to fit into almost any social situation, and is quite comfortable walking into a room full of strangers. Conversation for her is an art form, and we are not talking shallow, façade types of conversation, we are talking the ability to get down to the nitty, gritty details. I would liken her at times to a veteran counselor, even though she has never had any schooling or training on such things. Yes, its possible for people to attain high levels of skill in areas and never set foot in a university, (I would love to write more on that later).

She likes to be outside, caring for her plants and her gardens, but let’s be clear, she is not such an outdoors person that camping or spending the night outside in the woods would be her thing. She needs a hotel room with a shower, fluffy bed and a clean bathroom. If it has to do with living outdoors with wild animals and bugs, she doesn’t want any part of it (Still don't know whats wrong with wild animals and bugs, they are fascinating).

She also has of lately developed her artistic side, which she always thought she wasn't very artistic. I kept telling her “You've got it”. She is very crafty, and artistic especially with re-purposing discarded material from almost anything. I am always excited to see what she will come up with next.

Then there is her heart, I mean her spiritual core, who she is as a person, is very other centered. Most of her life is spent serving others. Yes there are things she loves to do, she has interests, hobbies, wants and needs, but more often than not, her mind is on other people and their successes and struggles. She used to carry heavy burdens of others. It was an issue, if someone was going through something difficult or painful, she took it as her own, and it would cause her almost as much distress as the person going through it. She is very emphatic. In some cases, taken too far, this could be unhealthy. Over the years, as she has grown in wisdom, she has learned how to deal with this much better, but she still does wrestle with it quite a bit, because she loves people.

I would also like to add, to my shame as an adult male, but also in very deep sincere gratitude, she does a lot for me. She fixes my coffee and protein shake for me every morning before I go to work. She does my laundry, cleans the house, and raises the children. More often than not when I get home from work, supper is ready within an hour or so... and on the set table. Sometimes I feel like an invalid three year old, all that she does for me, and not to mention the kids. So in other words, if you ever hear me complain about my wife, call the psychiatric hospital, because I have lost my mind.

Even though I handle all the money, budgeting and bill-paying, she makes the calls, if any need to be made, which inevitably they do. See I hate talking on the phone. Especially to someone I don’t know. I always feel like they are going to spring something on me or I will say something wrong, plus there is no way for me to analyze them, their facial expressions or body language, something I didn’t know how to do 20 years ago. Clare is the negotiator, the great communicator who is patient and definitely has a way with speaking. I on the other hand I could lose my temper fairly quickly over something that is really trivial, especially on the phone and spew forth all sorts of colorful metaphors from my gaping maw. So she handles all communications, and I do all the background work. It makes a good team.

So, am I putting her on a pedestal? Maybe it would seem that way to one who hasn’t lived with her for 21 years, but I am just relating to you what I have witnessed firsthand. You can certainly determine your own opinion if you met her and got to know her.

Myself on the other hand, I am introverted, isolationist, and inward focused, just being honest. I get along better with machines and animals than I do with people. Yes, I consider my computers close friends. And my dogs and cats are people to me. I do not spend as much time as I should with either my wife or my children. I am more often than not, in front of a computer. If it needs to be done by a certain time, I have issues leaving it. I can become obsessed with certain things, like game modding. Just playing with programming code and seeing the result in the game engine's behavior is fascinating. I can't stop writing or “drawing”, which used to be on paper but now is all on computer. I have so many images in my head of worlds, or better, universes I have developed since childhood, that at times it can be overwhelming.

I work too much. This was just one of the many reasons I left engineering for several years, because I am one of those workaholics you hear about. For the last twenty years in that field I have worked a lot of 70 to 80 hour weeks, especially when I was younger. I have to now, make a concerted, conscientious effort to limit my overtime, otherwise I can fall into the same trap again like I used to, just never ending working, never stopping and I don't even really enjoy that type of “work”. I think I feed off the challenge to beat schedules and produce accurate work, putting a lot of pressure on myself to not screw up. Perfection and precision at times is not enough. I set unreachable, inhuman levels of performance for myself. Yes, it can be exhausting and if you don't know what its like, you really have no idea what life is when you are a performance hog and everything must be right at all times, and efficiency is a paramount goal. Not to mention how difficult it can be when you actually do mess up, which will happen and the pieces need to be cleaned up.

To say the least, my mind never stops running like a computer. Without the years of therapy and medication I am on now, I would never sleep because I would always be working on something.

I do like to be outside as long as it has purpose, like hiking in the woods and if it’s not over 80 degrees outside. I love thunderstorms, rain, blizzards, ice, hail, etc.… well anything to do with snow and ice. I love the cold. I should be living in an old cabin in Alaska, chopping wood all year, but I could never talk Clare into this, not sure what her deal is.

Now in terms of socialization, I will attempt to “summarize”, but more on this will be coming later. I do prefer to be alone, but with the great irony of Asperger's this is certainly not consistent. I do like to be around people, sometimes, but I need long breaks. I can't be with people all the time. Its just too much. I think or hope most people would agree with that. But, I definitely need more away time than the average neurotypical male, and what could be considered by people by me being isolationist, is actually a natural function of my being, Most of my childhood and young adulthood was spent “alone”, yet inside my mind, I built universes. It can be hard for neurotypicals to understand this.

I can also have light conversation. I have learned some of this myself, but Clare has taught me a lot about it as well. Its what I categorize as “sincere reciprocal conversation” (another few blog posts are coming about this too). This is a skill that I have been working on for over 30 years. I have seen great development in the last 20 years or so (Wow, about the same time I have been married... imagine that...).

I can also be empathetic. Now this may not be true for all Aspies, because I cannot speak for all of us. Since I was very young, I have had tremendous empathy for people. A sensitivity to those who were being persecuted, or going through trials, or suffering. I will repeat again, tremendous empathy. In fact, there have been recent studies that seem to explain this, suggesting that the reason Aspies seek isolation is because of the tremendous empathy they can have for others, almost as though they can sense what people are going through. In turn this can cause an Aspie great distress and a lot of mental and physical anguish (more posts coming …. again). So, to bring this idea around, social situations can be very exhausting for me. It simply goes to the point that why, after a long exhausting week at work, would I want to further my exhaustion by continuing engagement with people? But again, this is not consistent in my experience for two basic reasons. My wife is a social animal, and I want to be with her, so I will go. Also, I do care about people and have developed meaningful relationships, and I have really analyzed myself that in some way “I owe” those friends social contact to maintain the friendship.

So there you go, there is a basic underpinning of our personalities, and then some. Clare is for the most part a “normal” person, or the straight man of the comedy team. I on the other hand was at a very young age keenly aware that I was different from everyone else, the foreign alien stumbling through a neurotypical world, at one time who tried to “fit in”, but gave up and had to find peace with who he was.

To be continued…

The Label... that terrible thing...

So, like I mentioned before, this blog is intended to be about being married to someone with Asperger's.  To be more exact, it will be my observations, commentary and meanderings of Clare and I, our marriage, our kids and our life together, from the perspective of someone with Asperger's, i.e. myself.

Now, I was diagnosed about 10 years ago with Asperger's syndrome, along with a grocery list of other things, that I may mention later.  Some people have made the comment that they don't see how I have Asperger's.  I appreciate this sentiment, but I am not sure why its made, like labeling myself as Asperger's is like I am saying I have leprosy.  Some people have issues with labels, or as I call them diagnoses.  Unfortunately in this society, if you do not seek help with issues and get a diagnoses, there is virtually no help at all, you are on your own.  If you have issue with labels, that's your business, but really don't feel pity for me, or look down on me because I have been overly sensitive to the issues I have and I have worked very hard to not only help myself, but also those whom I love.  I don't mind the label.  My sons are Autistic, I wonder how they feel?  Having diagnoses with Autism at an early age, and not ignoring the issue got them the help they needed early on.

An example, my first son, Paul at 1 year of age said a few words and was interactive in some ways.  By two, he said no words and was almost non-interactive.  He was in his own world and as my wife would say, we began to lose him.  My wife and her years of experience with children and her keen insight and wisdom, immediately jumped on this change and we sought help (it was over a period of 6 months to a year).  We did not waste time.  Early intervention is crucial in some Autistic cases.   We were told by “experts” that Paul would never talk.  My wife and I, including some relatives immediately signed up for the earliest sign language classes available so we could teach Paul sign language and help him communicate.  Little would anyone know that years later he would be a walking, talking 15 year old, who is 6' 2” and still growing, is on the honor roll and in advanced classes in high school.  All this not only by prayer and love, but therapy and a constant vigilance of how could we help and understand him, by getting into “his world” and living it with him.  Yes, there are social issues and he attends a class that is specifically addresses this which helps him be.... social.  Imagine, if Clare and I, said to ourselves, “There is nothing wrong with Paul, he'll grow out of it.”  How would that have helped him? Really it  would have only helped us, and for him it would have been tragic.

So, my point is that a “label”, or rather a diagnoses, is not a mark of condemnation, weakness, faultiness or dehumanization, it is a tool or a vehicle to get help and to not only make your life better, but also the lives of those you love.  Be willing to truly look at yourself, your behavior, and how it affects your family and society.  Getting help could be the best thing for you, and I speak from years of experience.

Thus I have no issue being public and outright about who I am.  Its not something to hide or be ashamed of.  Yes, people may not understand.  But really whose problem is that?  I don't think its mine.

As I continue this blog, it may seem sometimes that I may rant, or I will wander through the history of my life or our marriage.  I may address things in a very orderly and technical manner, or it will seem like I am writing my chaotic thoughts down just to get them out.  If you are able to follow my writing and my thought process, I applaud you on your patience and interest.

Thanks for reading, to be continued....