The Social Outing, Part II

As I learn, read and write more, I noticed my style is changing. This is more apparent the greater number of blogs I publish publicly. See, I don’t publish everything. I rant a lot, and have been working very hard over the years to not get offended, not be argumentative, not pummel people with my intellect, because I think I am right. But to be honest, I have to release some steam somewhere. Thus I let it go in my journals, pages upon pages, of critiquing myself, my behavior, or how I perceive reality, of the frustrations I experience as a result of the limitations of my own intelligence and wisdom. I also, critique our culture, our civilization and the human race. Today’s blog post is none of that, but I will attempt to breakdown for you a simplified look at a typical social outing that my wife I and I will go on. Let’s go through a rundown of the typical Social Outing for Clare and Dwight. Some of you may find this humorous or odd, others will go, “Yeah, I get this”

The Social Outing – Preparation:

First there is the preparation. This begins weeks ahead of time as I am informed that we will be going on a social outing. Clare will tell me that we are doing something. She swears she tells me all the time. Honestly, I usually have no recollection that something will be happening. So she, in her way, reminds me. Over the last few years I have gotten smart, and I will ask that all important question “Anything going on I should know about?” or “What do I need to know about this week?” and the ever important “Is there something going on this weekend?” It’s also worthy to note, that if something is sprung on me at the last minute, there can be drama. Yes drama, because I have already planned out my hours of research, gaming, writing, or working on art. See I continually plan out my time constantly. If my wife never notified me of anything going on, or she did not express her desire to go out and do something, we probably would never go anywhere. I would always be the mad scientist continually bumbling and stumbling in his laboratory muttering to himself. So notice ahead of time is greatly appreciated, and works quite well… if I remember it.

Compromise and understanding are paramount to a healthy relationship, so over the years I have retrained myself to become more sensitive to my wife’s desire to go be social with people. People are also going to want to come over. Thus I account for this in my perceived schedule. Now don’t get me wrong, if an emergency comes up and someone needs my assistance, I am there; I drop everything to go help. I must also note that if you expect me to help you by subtle hints, or by some other enigmatic form of human subtlety, I won’t get it, therefore, I won’t help you. You have to understand, I am not being an asshole, you have to come to me and ask plainly. I never understand why some people have such a hard time coming and asking for help, they actually expect me to pick up on their signals.

Let’s move on, as the days and weeks progress, I will receive reminders that said social outing is coming. I forget multiple times that it is coming. The oddity of myself is that I can remember American Civil War artillery calibers, alloy compositions for Bronze Age swords, historical migrations of peoples across the face of the earth, barriers to attaining theoretical antimatter propulsion, but I have difficulty remembering that we are going to Mr. and Mrs. So and So's house on a Saturday night. I have found that this is common among the spectrum. Though the older I get, I have learned to live my life “in the ready” because I know something maybe coming that I forgot about. The primary motivation for the “in the ready” mindset, is also to limit drama to a minimum.

The Day of the Social Outing

Yes, the start of the day is good, but as it gets closer to getting ready to leave. Irritation and anxiety steadily increase. Now, it hasn't always been this way. There have been times where social outings would not be as complex or difficult. I do know when I was young, a social outing could be a positive thing. If it is something I am deeply interested in, like a museum, the zoo or as they used to have them , a hobby store, then the less the anxiety. If we are going to a party and lots of people are going to be there and they will all want to talk about what normal people want to talk about, and doing what normal people want to do, then yes, anxiety is higher.

Also, there are times I have to be reminded to take a shower and brush my teeth. Not always, but sometimes. It all started in High school though, I was very aware of not wanting anyone to “smell” me. So I religiously took a shower every day and brushed and flossed my teeth profusely. I did not want to attract any unwanted negative attention. But as I have gotten older, and if it’s not a routine work day, I may forget to bathe and maintain proper hygiene. This will result in reminders that yes, I need to take a shower and brush my teeth so as not to offend anyone, especially my wife with my human odors. Vacations, which are a complete interruption of the routine can cause all sorts of hygiene issues, to which I forget what a shower is, and I don’t know what a tooth brush looks like. Actually it’s not that bad, (my wife may disagree about this), but I will hear that subtle reminder, “Did you take a shower today?” or “Did you brush your teeth?”

The Social Outing – Leaving.

Some of it has to do with I guess you have to really want to leave and go do something. When there is something more fun or interesting at home to do, like modding a video game, working on animations or writing, it gets to be a struggle to leave. Then, if I do actually go to some social outing, there is always the nagging feeling in the back of my mind; I could be getting this done or that finished.

There is a major factor that changes all this behavior. If I have told someone I will be somewhere at a certain time. That makes all the difference in the world. If I have said I will be somewhere at a certain time, or I am going to meet someone, then I turn into a crazy fool, because I don't want to be late. I had to learn the hard way, if you told someone you were going to be somewhere at a certain time and you were late, it wasn't good. This is so true, if its just me, and not the rest of the family, I will always make it a point to be early or on time. If it involves five children, that's a whole different story. I can become a raving lunatic if the children act as though they are running on molasses, really, its comedy in action.

The Social Outing – On our way.

First, there is the “Briefing”. I will be briefed by my wife as to where we are going, who will be there and how long will we be there (remember I must get back to my “research”). Now, some of this I was already told in the previous weeks and days. So either I have already forgotten or I need clarification. If the situation requires it, she may prepare me for what to expect. Or I will simply ask questions. It’s really not so regimented and rudimentary. It doesn't always happen like this. Acquiring intelligence and data on what will be happening certainly will prepare me for how to behave and what to expect. We do this with our kids, especially my two sons, who as I mentioned are autistic, both on opposite ends of the spectrum. One is somewhat like me when I was a teenager, but he can be completely oblivious to what’s going on. We will ask him if he knows what we are doing. Only sometimes does he know. He is so even keeled though, if he is anxious about where we are going, we are not aware of it. My other son, who is non-verbal and has cognitive issues, but he is very aware and very smart. He cannot ask questions or may even not know where we are going unless we tell him. Even telling him can be involved by showing him videos or pictures of places ,people and things that will be there, all to the point of preparing him for new encounters, in an attempt to reduce anxiety and upset. He seems for the most part to be comfortable, as long as he is with us. But this doesn’t always work for him. There have been times where I sat with him on the front porch of a relative’s house on Christmas Day for about four hours, in 15 degree weather in about 12” of snow, because he was terrified of the dogs inside the house. (I may write more on this later, we shall see…)

The Social Outing – At the Social Event.

This is usually where I let Clare enter first. Yes, sacrifice the social “lamb” to the ravenous neurotypical wolves hungering for conversation and social interaction, while I remain safely in her shadow, not having to say anything. I will follow closely behind as she does her “mingling” that she does so well. At some of these outings, I will never say very much. I might even disappear and find a television and just watch some discovery or history channel show or read a book on my phone. Yet, there have been times, where other men have invited me to do things to get “involved” in the social interaction of the gathering. One time, we went to a friend's party at their house and the guy that put on the party got me involved in a game of washers. That was at first the strangest, but best experience I ever had. He made a point to make me feel comfortable at a party with multiple people I didn't know. It made all the difference in the world and... I actually had a great time.

Also, I would like to mention that my wife and I used to go out to bars and dance places. I found it odd that I didn't have that much anxiety. These places were packed with people. People I didn't even know. When we would go, I was always the designated driver (because I quit drinking shortly after we were married) and my wife got to drink and have some fun. Heck, I even danced with her and I thought that was crazy, but the more we did this, the more relaxed I became about it. When I was younger, I was always “on watch”, guarding my wife, always worried about some mysterious threat that maybe lurking around the corner. I know, I was paranoid, I still am somewhat. As I got older, I got over this, and I was able to relax more. Lately, we haven't gone out to places like that for a while, especially on a regular basis.

The Social Outing – Leaving

Depending on the situation, I usually want to leave at a certain time. Sometimes I get bored and antsy. To be honest, I usually won’t ever ask to leave or try to get my wife to leave. This is her time, and I need to be patient and understanding, sensitive to what she enjoys, especially if she is having a good time. See, with having five children, we just don't get to go out very often, and I don't want to do anything to cut the night short. I know my wife needs this time to enjoy herself and I care about that. I want her to have a good time. So more often than not, if its a special party with people we haven't seen on a regular basis, I am more than patient, ready to leave only when she is.

The Social Outing – Debriefing

As we are headed home, finally, we will converse about what occurred at the social event. I will ask her lots of questions sometimes about why did someone do this, or why did they say that. My wife, being a natural teacher, explains to me typical human behavior. We will have continuous and extensive conversation about the evening. Notice, I most likely didn't talk very much the entire evening, while she talked non-stop and she still has plenty of words to go before the day ends.

Clare has been my ambassador and translator for me in the neurotypical world. Before I met her, a lot of what I experienced was based on assumption, observation, analysis and simple trial and error. It liken it to a blind man groping in the dark not knowing what he was grabbing at or where he was going. Then came a bright light into my world and she began to show me why things worked the way they did. In all of this, it must be understood that there is no pressure, there is no high expectation of my wife to get it right all the time. I am just watching and learning, and she clarifies issues and questions that would come up. The time going home can be a great opportunity for explanation and learning.

The Social Outing – Conclusion

If its not too late, I will jump back on my computer, or whatever I was working on. Sometimes I have to remember what I was doing. This is decompress time. I need to be alone for a bit so I can process what happened and relax after what sometimes could be a grueling experience.

I touched briefly on the rundown of the typical social outing. It is a process, a procedure, which has been a theme of this blog. It’s one of the tools that gets me through everyday life. I hope you have enjoyed reading. Thanks again,

Until next time...

The Social Outing, Part I

One of the fundamental activities of the neurotypical existence has to do with the peculiar ceremony of the “Social Outing”. It is called “Outing” because it means leaving a place of residence or better yet, the current form of “cave” in which mankind dwells. “Social” refers to the point of the “outing” as being interaction with other human beings, as opposed to leaving said place of residence for more practical purposes like getting food or going to Vintage Stock. It’s bad enough having to leave the house to go to work, but to leave and go socialize with people? Really? Well it’s not really that bad.

My whole life, which can appear to the outsider as a mixed bag of inconsistency, can include times where I have enjoyed both isolation and social interaction. Again it depends on the context and who I will be meeting with. Also there is a lot to do with whether my wife will be going with me. Yes, it can sound like co-dependency, and to a certain extent it may be. Looking at it on the serious side, I am working everyday to be more independent, but on the other side, I look at it as though I'm making up for those years I spent a lot of time in isolation. Simply because you live in a house with people and you may go to school and even be in an urban setting, doesn't necessarily mean you can't be isolated. Like I have mentioned before, I spent the majority of my childhood and young adulthood alone. I even went to many places alone either by walking, cycling or later by car. There were times I played with friends or even at the end of high school, I actually went to a couple of parties. But more often than not, I found myself in circumstances where I was alone and I enjoyed it. But then there were also times where I became lonely and I sought out friendship, but maintaining it in a meaningful manner was a whole other story.

Since I have been married, my wife has had to at times drag me out of the house to go out and be … Social. There are other times where I had to drag her to things that may not have been necessarily her cup of tea so to speak, yet I was glad she accompanied me.

There will inevitably be social outings we will attend. There are some we attend every week. Almost like clockwork, hours before it is time to leave, I find myself crabby, and almost outright angry. Though, this has a lot to do with if I am working on something. An example would be coding on a game, working on some kind of digital art, or troubleshooting errors within code. I can become almost irate, because of this “interruption” in my “research”. I liken it to a mad scientist whose work gets interrupted and then throws a fit when he has to stop working. It can be quite humorous. At the time, and maybe for others on the spectrum, these interruptions of solitude can be a problem. Having to leave something where you are on the verge of discovery, after hours upon hours of endless trial and error attempts can cause irritation and frustration, then later trying to return to it and remember where you left off poses still more challenges. I have been like this all my life. Even before I ever put my hands to a keyboard and mouse of a computer, I used to build models, write or draw, and my reaction would be the same. Having to stop what I was doing, put down what I was working on and go somewhere always jarred my world. But to be honest, if it were not for my wife caring and having me go someplace with her, I may never leave what I was working on.

I really think that some of the irritation or emotion associated with leaving could also have to do with social anxiety. Where going someplace, or even to someone's house can cause me anxiety. Yes, even groups that we see every week. When I have to cross that threshold of a friend’s house where I know there is a group of people, I have to breathe through it, like I am getting ready to dive off a cliff. Especially that initial walking into the room and all eyes turn on you. Well, actually they don’t, but I feel like they do. I just want to find a hole to crawl into. I really wish I could just disappear into the wall and not be seen. I still have not been able to thoroughly explain or understand this feeling. Its almost like its embarrassment, of myself and I don't understand why yet.

I do quite well with one on one, or very small groups of three or four. Anything above that and I get uncomfortable, sometimes to the point that I would like to abandon ship. But again it has to do with context and how well I know the participants of the Social Outing. If I know what to expect from people, it makes it much easier to deal with. I know that if I go to a person's house, one that I go to every week for instance. I can gather who will be there, what to expect and how long we will be there. The anxiety part can be much less. Though if its a party where there will be about 30 or 40 people, more than half I have never met, and I have never been to the place, the anxiety heightens.

That's all for this week. Pretty short. Next week, look for Part II, as I will explain the process I go through to cope with interacting groups of people.

Thanks again for reading.